It’s Presidents’ Day on Monday, because the one thing we all needed in the midst of travel bans, nationwide outrage, and Cold-War-on-crack levels of espionage is a whole day to remind us how awesome our President is. Regardless of how you feel about President Orangina, it is important to remember that before the human swamp we voted into the White House got there, we actually had some pretty decent Presidents. Hell, some of them were even cool, like “rock star” cool. In honor of some of our rockin’ Commanders in Chief, we here at Baeble complied a list of Presidents and their rock-star counterparts. Think of it like if these Presidents were reincarnated, then they would be these famous musicians. What’s that? The premise of this article is misguided at best and lacks any sort of meaningful substance? Well, what do ya know, so does our current administration.
On with the list!
1. George Washington = Buddy Holly
The Father of our Nation and the Father of Rock n’ Roll. Both were good-natured, well-loved Southern boys who set many precedents in their respective fields. They both set the bar plenty high for all of those who followed in their footsteps, and we’re still feeling the impact of their presence to this day.
2. Abraham Lincoln = Bob Dylan
I can imagine the Presidential folk hero and the pensive folk singer getting along very well. Their work regarding civil rights and the promotion of human equality has helped steer the course of history for the better, and whether it was through a speech or through a song, people stopped and listened when these guys had something to say.
3. Teddy Roosevelt = Jerry Garcia
These two jolly, likeable dudes share an affinity for nature and a love for awesome facial hair. Teddy liked to carry a big stick, and Jerry liked to rip some big guitar solos, not to mention the fact they both cared deeply about trees…Although “trees” likely meant two different things to them.
4. John F. Kennedy = Elvis Presley
Though these guys came from slightly different generations, they both gave the spotlight to youth culture better than anyone that had come before. Young, handsome, and just as good with the ladies as they were at their respective lines of work.
5. Barack Obama = Al Green
Both are smooth, charismatic, and effortlessly charming men who can comfort and relax anyone with just their voice and their presence. Plus, Obama’s already proven he’s a fan, so someone get these two legends in a room together to get this bromance on the road.
6. Donald Trump = Ted Nuget
At the very least, it seems that our current President and the buffalo-riding wild man would get along very well, if not too well. Both are self-perpetuating parodies of human beings that talk about grabbing pussy, spew insults like a toddler with a curse word thesaurus, and are nothing but a pathetic little footnote compared to the giants that came before them. It’s like a match made in the heaven all the racists believe in.